My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
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[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.