[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
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[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”