Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
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My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what