[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
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A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?