I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
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No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok