I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
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Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.