fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
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Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
our love story in four pictures
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
are they though??
My purse is deeper than some people.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert