ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
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If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”