Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
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I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..