If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
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“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET