Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
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The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
relationship goals
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.