I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
You Might Also Like
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
first you must answer his riddles
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info