Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
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Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.