[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
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one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.