The struggle is real.
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We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
*updates tinder bio*
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks