I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
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6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
When I said I liked it rough.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up