announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
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Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
relationship goals
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know