Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
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Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.