Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
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When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP