My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
You Might Also Like
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Dead sexy!!
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff