Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
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If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
a god among men
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips