Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
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My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.