not for long
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(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Try and stop me.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything