<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
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I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.