when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
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I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Realize this:
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.