i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
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Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
The devil.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed