all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
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Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Seek kebab; not attention
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]