This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
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Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
*checks Timeline*…
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.