Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
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“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
I am a gravy boat captain
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.