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A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.