Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
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Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Is your wife single?
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us