My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
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CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.