Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
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Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
The French word for sex is croissant.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.