If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”