the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
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Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.