ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
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#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’