I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
You Might Also Like
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.