You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
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reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
rise and shine we got egg
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Brands during Pride
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
This makes total sense…
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.