Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
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It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed