I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
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Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad