me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
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*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you