Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
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Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
incredible text to wake up to
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
I drew y’all a little something.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Previously On Persistence 😎
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective