My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
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COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text