“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
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“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
I love twitter
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
I’m so full I could puke a horse
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go