Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
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[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”