[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
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I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
inside you are two wolves
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Same pineapple, same
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?