A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
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Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
they finally got him. they got macavity
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.