Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
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Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
You know I’m something of a chef myself
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.