[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
You Might Also Like
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.