Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
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[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸